


I Can't Have Both

by garroways



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Has Anxiety, Alec Lightwood Has Self-Worth Issues, Anxiety Attacks, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Sorry, M/M, Parabatai Feels, Protective Jace Wayland, Pure sadness, Sad Alec, i literally cannot write, post 2x18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-10 15:10:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11694261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/garroways/pseuds/garroways
Summary: Alec doesn't handle the break up well and his siblings try to help him through it





	I Can't Have Both

**Author's Note:**

> its eight am and i haven't slept and i just thought of this idea and i hate myself for it im sorry
> 
> i've never had an anxiety attack, so i apologize if i wrote anything incorrectly.

Alec forced back tears as he watched the elevator doors close, Magnus disappearing behind them. He couldn't let anyone see him cry, see how destroyed he was. He couldn't let his emotions take over now, not when Johnathan is still at large, when Max is hurt. Taking a deep breath, he turned to walk back into Max's room, but he didn't get far. His legs gave out suddenly, barely giving him enough time to catch himself on the wall and slowly lower his body into one of the black chairs. 

"I can't believe it was him the entire time," Clary said, eyes traveling to the blown out door.

Before Jace could reply, he felt an abrupt rush of sadness, his hand instinctively shooting to his Parabatai rune. He frowned, utterly perplexed by the strong emotion. He glanced up as he heard the elevator ding, the doors opening to reveal Magnus. Seeing the broken look covering the warlock's features, it doesn't take long for Jace to put the pieces together.

"Jace?" Jace turned back to Clary, her green eyes flashed with worry, "What's wrong?"

Jace was walking away before Clary finished speaking. "That's what I'm about to find out."

The elevator opened to an empty hallway, the only person occupying it being Alec who's hunched over on the floor. The older male's head was bent, his hands the only thing keeping him from falling completely onto the floor. The slight trembling of his body telling he was crying, his almost silent sobs boucing off the walls and into the quiet room. Jace quickly walked over to Alec, bending down to be level with him. 

"Hey," He said softly, cautiously setting a hand on Alec's shoulder. "Alec, look at me." 

Jace's voice sounded as if he was under water, barely audible. Jace lifted Alec's face and he felt his heart break. His brother's hazel eyes were bloodshot and puffy, eyelashes soaked from his tears. His breathing was shallow and heavy as if he couldn't catch his breath. "Alec, I need you to breathe." Jace's voice was soft, trying his best to calm Alec down.

Alec started to come to his senses enough to notice Jace in front of him. He felt the hard, cold ground under him, not knowing when he made it off the chair. 

_Did it even matter?_

He just barely heard Jace's voice, yet again telling him to breathe. He took in a sharp breath, then a few more, Jace's face coming more into focus.

_Is this what heartbreak feels like?_

"He left," Alec rasped, his hands gripping desperately at his thighs.

"What happened?" Jace's voice stayed as low as possible, his hands keeping Alec's head up.

Alec hiccupped, his body heaving as he struggled to breathe. "He said," His voice wavered as he took in another shallow breath. "I'm holding him back."

Jace knew that Magnus wouldn't intentionally hurt Alec, but he couldn't help but feel pissed off. He's never seen Alec this broken before, and it made him angry. 

"Am I a burden, Jace?" Alec asked, his voice drenched in hurt. 

"What? Of course not." Jace assured him, his hands hooking under Alec's arms. "Come on, buddy, we gotta get you out of the hallway." 

Alec's legs felt as if they weren't even there, leaving him practically incapable of standing on his own. Jace draped one of Alec's arms over his shoulders, starting to guide him to the elevator. 

_Is love not enough anymore?_

Alec focused in and out, Jace's voice sounding as if they were on a call with bad connection. He's never felt this type of pain before, his heart  _aches_. He didn't know how long he was out of it, but next thing he knew he was being laid on a bed; it was hard, nothing like Magnus'. He pulled his blanket up to his chin, barely listening to Jace telling him he'll be back. 

Jace's fist impatiently hit the wooden door, face red with anger. The door was pulled open and he was face to face with Magnus. "What the hell?" 

Magnus visibly flinched at Jace's sudden outburst, but recovered quickly. "Excuse me?"

"You told Alec he was holding you back?" Jace knew he shouldn't be this upset, but the lingering distraught he felt absolutely infuriated him.

"I told him I needed to make decisions to save my people, and that he's holding me back. I can't think about their safety when I'm playing both sides." Magnus' voice was calm but firm.

"Well now he can't think about  _his_  people's safety because he's too busy crying!" The Shadowhunter's voice rose, all his anger catching up to him. "I literally had to pick him up from the floor and practically carry him to his room; he's so out of it he can barely speak." 

There was a flash of guilt in Magnus' caramel eyes, but his face remained emotionless. Jace didn't give him a chance to reply.

"I told you he's sensitive, Magnus. I told you. He doesn't know how to handle pain like this, he doesn't know what heartbreak is like. We're Shadowhunters, we fall in love once and that's it." Jace attempted to keep himself from yelling, but he was struggling.

"He trusted you. He trusted you to not break his heart and you broke that trust." With that Jace backed away, his footsteps echoing throughout the hall.

Magnus sighed heavily, slowly shutting the door. He didn't know Alec would take it so hard, he didn't let himself think about it. His hand instinctively pushed itself into his pocket, pulling out the Omamori charm. His finger ran over the design, one sentence continuously running through his head.

_Funny how he spent all this time assuring you he wouldn't go anywhere when you were the one who left._

Alec needed to get out of bed, he has an institute to run. He can't let his emotions get the best of him, not now. He pushed himself into a sitting position, his body weak. He took his time getting ready, swallowing dryly, his throat aching and his limbs feeling boneless. Alec eyed himself in the mirror, he barely even looked like himself. His eyes were extremely puffy, his nose and cheeks flushed; he looked terrible.

Alec was stopped by Jace before he could get to his office. "You're not working today, you need time to deal with what you're feeling"

"Emotions are nothing but a distraction." The phrase Alec used to repeat so frequently sounded foreign, his voice sounding like it didn't belong to him.

Jace scoffed. "Don't give me that shit, you know damn well that line means nothing. You can't think straight, you shouldn't be making any decisions. I can still feel your pain." 

Alec didn't feel anything anymore; he felt empty. He wasn't able to cry anymore, even if he wanted to. "I don't have pain." 

"Alec-"

"I need to do something, Jace. I can't stay stuck in my room all day." Alec interrupted him. He felt as if he stayed in there any longer he would've went crazy.

Jace's eyes met Alec's. "I talked to Magnus." 

At the sound of Magnus' name all of Alec's emotions came rushing back, the dam he put up crumbling to pieces. "I don't wanna talk about him."

"I told you you're not okay, Alec. Izzy and I have this handled," Jace reached a hand out, setting it on Alec's shoulder. "please go rest." 

Alec held eye contact with Jace for what felt like hours, tears already trying to force their way out. He took a deep breath, pushing every single feeling of pain and sadness deep down. "I'm fine. I can do my job without letting my emotions get the best of me." 

Jace knew Alec wasn't gonna budge. "Fine," He let out an exasperated sigh, moving out of the way. "It's your choice, but know me and Izzy will be there every second." 

Alec could feel everyone's eyes on him, studying his bloodshot eyes and messy hair. He should've listened to Jace, he wasn't ready for this. The attention was overwhelming and he didn't have the energy to not care.

_"Apparently the warlock broke up with him."_

_"Who knew Alec Lightwood actually had emotions."_

_"What did he expect when he started dating_ Magnus Bane _? The guy isn't known for being loyal."_

The air felt heavy, his lungs struggling to take in oxygen. Since when did he care what people thought about him? Their opinions never affected him this much, why was now suddenly an exception? 

"Alec?" Isabelle's voice came muffled next to him, a hand brushing his shoulder. 

The room spun around him, his throat closing; he couldn't breathe. He grabbed at the table in front of him, his eyes squeezing shut as he forced back tears.

"Alec, breathe." A voice higher in pitch urged. 

There were so many voices, all of them sounded so far away. He could just barely make out Clary and Izzy's; Jace's was more audible, he was yelling at everyone who had crowded around to back up. His hand reached out, grabbing the first hand he came in contact with, he needed some kind of anchor. 

He could hear Clary's voice softly talking to him, trying to get him to breathe. "Look at me, Alec." Alec forced his head up, his eyes finding Clary's face. "I want you to listen to my voice. I'm going to count to twenty, and you're gonna count with me, okay?" 

Alec nodded, tears welling up in his eyes. 

"One," Alec counted along shakily with Clary, keeping eye contact with her. Once they got to twenty his breathing had steadied, tears falling from his eyes. 

"You're alright," He felt a hand squeezing his, which he figured out belonged to Clary. He noticed the entire institute was watching; he'd created quite a scene. He pulled his hand from hers, quickly pushing past people, trying to get to his roon as fast as possible. How could he have thought he was ready to do anything? He couldn't even handle a few comments.

"It's really hitting you hard, huh?"

"I didn't think it would hurt this much." Alec said softly, the bed dipping as Isabelle sat next to him. 

"Love isn't perfect; it's messy and it hurts, but you and Magnus always find your way back. This is just a bump in the road."

"He deserves better." 

Izzy's hand set itself on his. "He couldn't possibly get anyone better than you, big brother. I've seen how he looks at you when you aren't looking, you know. Sometimes there's so much love and vulnerability there I feel as if I shouldn't be seeing it."

There were so many things going through Alec's head it was overwhelming. Part of him wanted to go to Magnus' beg him to stay, to let them figure it out together, but the other part told him to let it go. He couldn't hold Magnus back anymore. He needed to let him do what's best for him and his people, and if that meant staying away then that's what Alec will do. 

Magnus sighed as a knock sounded on his door. He pulled it open, Isabelle standing in the hallway. "Are you here to yell at me, too?" 

Izzy huffed out a laugh. "No, I come in peace." 

Magnus allowed her to enter, her fruity perfume meeting his nose as she brushed past him. "What can I do for you?"

She turned towards him, her hair whipping with the movement. "Why did you break up with my brother?" 

Magnus' fingers played with the rim of his glass. "It's just until I'm able to assure my people's safety."

"Does Alec know that?"

"I'd imagine he does."

Izzy stepped closer. "It doesn't seem like he does, because he's been a mess since yesterday. He truly thinks he doesn't deserve you."

"Why would he think that?" 

She chuckled dryly. "You told him he's holding you back. You didn't say, _I need time to think about my people's safety before we can continue_. Alec doesn't know how relationships work. He thinks you broke up with him because he was too much effort." 

"That isn't the case." Magnus fidgeted, Izzy's intense gaze burning into his skin.

Isabelle eyed him for a second. "Do you love him?"

"More than anything." 

"Then tell him that." 

**Author's Note:**

> as you can tell i got exhausted halfway through and practically gave up on trying to be a somewhat decent writer
> 
> follow my ig @luciangraymarks thanks


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